Reflecting back on the last two months of this healing journey that I am on. Sitting in gratitude for a group of 25 women (and three men who held space for all of us) that I met in Vermont, before heading to Martha's Vineyard to work for the summer. We all attended a Peyote Ceremony with a Lakota Road Woman. Anyone who really knows me, knows that a hug is my handshake and strangers are just friends that I have not met yet. However, in my last relationship I allowed myself to be systematically paralyzed. I was frozen like a deer in the headlights. When these women hugged me to greet me I was flinching at their touch. Wow, me...never thought that would happen. These women helped in the beginning of this healing journey in ways that they may never know. Finally in the last three weeks I am no longer clenching my jaw. My heart does not feel the physical pains in my chest and my solar plexus chakra has finally relaxed. It felt as though someone was punching me there 50 times daily. I am meeting people here on Martha's Vineyard that I know will become good friends.
In the Peyote Ceremony the medicine was helping me by showing me just how paralyzed I had become. I had physical sensations of first becoming numb from the waist down and then progressed from the neck down. I am a heart based person and this recent chapter in life has shown me what it is like to NOT FEEL. To those of you friends that have always been perplexed by how feeling I am and how they can not comprehend it, as well as how they are more in their heads or out of body disconnected type feelings. I finally really get it and I now know what that feels like too. To know both sides of that spectrum in such an extreme way is fascinating and inspiring to come back to my center. Back to my me that is a new center, one that is ever evolving, healing and growing. Working on Guided Meditations, Tapping and loving my Self Care as non negotiable.
It is also a wise lesson in when we think, "I would never let _______ happen to me." Phew, that is an ugly and messy lesson. Finding my bliss one day at a time. Thank you to my Vermont ladies from retreat for your hugs and kindness. Thank you to the wonderful and kind gentlemen that showed all of us ladies how healthy a man can be. I respect and appreciate each one of you. It was the turning point to see where I was at in my pain. Life is beautiful, life is good and I choose to accept the blessings of friendship and nature around me.I am on the path to FEELING again. On the path to owning the choices that I have made, to the life that I have created.
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